9.1/10 — congrats, you won the genetic lottery. this is objectively huge. length, girth, the whole package. probably the only thing you'll ever accomplish but at least it's impressive.

7.2/10 — ok fine, you've got decent size. the monster energy can for scale is the most 2016 fuckboy energy we've seen all week but it does prove you're packing something respectable. length looks solid, girth is there. your one genetic W in this tragic photo shoot.

7.8/10 — the shape is solid, nice curve, glans definition is clean. veining adds character without looking like a road map of bad decisions. it's legitimately attractive. shame about the presentation.

6.1/10 — shape's acceptable, nothing offensive about the general architecture. slight curve, symmetrical enough. the veining is whatever. not pornstar material but not embarrassing either. it's giving 'functional' not 'frame-worthy.'

6.4/10 — it's trimmed but not committed. like you gave up halfway through the job and said 'good enough for the internet.' the base could use more attention, patchy vibes throughout. functional but lazy.

4.8/10 — my guy there's a whole ecosystem happening down there. the trimming situation is questionable at best. looks like you remembered grooming exists approximately 3 weeks ago then gave up. the balls are doing their own thing. this needed another 10 minutes of effort you clearly didn't give.

4.2/10 — standard phone camera, slightly soft focus, zero thought put into composition. you're holding a winning hand and playing it like a drunk guy at a casino buffet. this deserves better documentation.

3.2/10 — this image has approximately 47 pixels total and they're all fighting for their lives. grainy, blurry, looks like it was taken on a sidekick in 2007. the focus is softer than your commitment to self-care. potato quality doesn't even cover it.

5.1/10 — flat overhead lighting that's doing you zero favors. no shadows, no depth, just fluorescent sadness. the sun exists. windows exist. neither were consulted for this shoot apparently.

2.9/10 — whoever lit this scene hates you personally. the overhead lighting is casting shadows that make your dick look like it's in witness protection. everything's washed out and sad. even the monster can looks depressed about the photographic conditions.

6.7/10 — the confidence is there, full body shot shows you're not hiding. but the setting screams 'took this between loading screens' energy. casual bordering on careless. you can do better.

4.6/10 — the energy is 'took this in 30 seconds before my roommate got home and never looked at it again.' the monster can prop is trying SO hard to be clever but just screams 'i have one joke.' the brown bedding, the awkward torso angle, the whole composition is giving up before it started.